There is nothing in this world which can be compared to a sibling's love and affection for each other. Sisters and brothers are the first friend anyone makes. Siblings play, fight, hurt each other, but at the end of the day, love binds them again. Since childhood they not only share toys and clothes, but also quickly form a team for any mischievous activities. I have seen siblings sharing their victories and downfalls together. Such is the love, if one is sad the other cannot be happy even if you treat them with their favourite candy. I cannot imagine my life without my elder brother. He is my friend, my inspiration, a guide and above all he is like a parent to me. All the pranks that I play he becomes a part of it by default. Not only this, we even share the scoldings we receive.
I have seen my friends who are single child, feeling lonely and deserted. Earlier I was under an impression that they are blessed as they do not have to share parent's love with anyone; but as I grew up it dawned on me what they have probably missed, is the most important part of life - having a sibling. Parents might think twice about having another child because bringing up a child is expensive these days. Looking at only one aspect of it is wrong. From a child's perspective there are innumerable advantages of it. Siblings are playmates, teammates, rivals and above all inseparable from each other.
Children conflicts can be used as teaching lesson and a tool imbibing values in them. Without a sibling a child can never learn to share things. In many families where both parents are working the elder child is always seen taking care of the younger one. This not only makes them responsible, but also makes them confident about handling tough situations. The bond and love developed between them at an early age works as a foundation for a strong relationship in the future. A child learns various skills from his sibling and this learning is faster than what any school or parent can teach.
Staying away from my brother is out of question for me. The fun we are having since childhood can be replaced with any happiness. Though we fight a lot, still we are inseparable. My life would have been boring and dull if I was a single child.
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Wednesday, 29 August 2012
When Trust Is Not Enough in a Relationship
"Trust". It's one of those sacred words in relationship lingo that automatically projects an aura of goodness and wholesomeness. Conversely, "mistrust" seems to reek of evil and pathology. If you ever want to evoke visceral and mindless reaction from someone, just ask "Don't you trust me?" Most people will reflexively and thoughtlessly reassure you that "Of course" they do. The won't take the time to define the various ways in which they mistrust you as well. "Healthy mistrust" seems close to being an oxymoron like "military intelligence"... or "unhealthy trust." That's unfortunate. It's also the reason why a lot of people get hurt.
In my line of work, I find it sad to see so many people separating themselves from the tools necessary for their welfare. Mistrust, like fear and anger, has its utility. The trick is to know where and how. Think of it this way: Trust is really expectation. When we trust someone, we expect that he or she will behave consistently with what we envision. We expect good faith and responsibility in fulfilling commitments. But what happens when our expectations aren't realistic? Let's try a scenario:
You're romantically (and sexually) involved with someone who recently has become separated. You're aware that over the course of his or her previous marriage your partner had several affairs. Every time you raise the topic of commitment, your partner seems to divert the discussion and emphasize instead how much he/she really feels for you. You have little doubt about his or her passion. So why create problems with your mistrust?
Many of us naively fall into such a tar pit and helplessly flounder for years. It would be an oversimplification to say that we do so merely because we've been over-indoctrinated in trust. It's probably more true that we childishly over-estimate the power of love as being able to surmount all obstacles. This kind of blind trust allows us to avoid having to make painful choices. However, it also prevents us from evaluating courses of action necessary for our own welfare. The question of whether or not to have sexual relations is especially important for this reason. Many of us have naively trusted that our passion will bring about commitment while we ignore the person's stated desire for less involvement.
We may even ignore a long history of inconsistency and broken commitments. We "trust" that we can let ourselves become sexually and emotionally dependent before we realistically weigh the probable risks. Are we really so powerful that our mere hopes and desires can forge a new reality? In this assumption lies the seed of addictive relationships.
One of my most cherished tools has been the ability to give myself the permission to feel trust and mistrust, hope and fear, all with the same person. This permission-giving is not naive. It's not the unqualified permission for my "inner child" to play hopscotch on the busy freeway of uncommitted relationships. Instead, it is permission to be free enough from myth and taboo to see the way things really are. With this freedom comes clarity and with clarity comes safety. When my "inner parent" has responsibly attended to the realistic dangers, then I can maintain a more steady and realistic trust.
Perhaps you are one who would be better off by being more cautious in the early stages of a relationship. Instead of incurring a string of "betrayals," you might instead experience some "close calls." Giving yourself permission to avoid naive trust can help you make the difference.
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In my line of work, I find it sad to see so many people separating themselves from the tools necessary for their welfare. Mistrust, like fear and anger, has its utility. The trick is to know where and how. Think of it this way: Trust is really expectation. When we trust someone, we expect that he or she will behave consistently with what we envision. We expect good faith and responsibility in fulfilling commitments. But what happens when our expectations aren't realistic? Let's try a scenario:
You're romantically (and sexually) involved with someone who recently has become separated. You're aware that over the course of his or her previous marriage your partner had several affairs. Every time you raise the topic of commitment, your partner seems to divert the discussion and emphasize instead how much he/she really feels for you. You have little doubt about his or her passion. So why create problems with your mistrust?
Many of us naively fall into such a tar pit and helplessly flounder for years. It would be an oversimplification to say that we do so merely because we've been over-indoctrinated in trust. It's probably more true that we childishly over-estimate the power of love as being able to surmount all obstacles. This kind of blind trust allows us to avoid having to make painful choices. However, it also prevents us from evaluating courses of action necessary for our own welfare. The question of whether or not to have sexual relations is especially important for this reason. Many of us have naively trusted that our passion will bring about commitment while we ignore the person's stated desire for less involvement.
We may even ignore a long history of inconsistency and broken commitments. We "trust" that we can let ourselves become sexually and emotionally dependent before we realistically weigh the probable risks. Are we really so powerful that our mere hopes and desires can forge a new reality? In this assumption lies the seed of addictive relationships.
One of my most cherished tools has been the ability to give myself the permission to feel trust and mistrust, hope and fear, all with the same person. This permission-giving is not naive. It's not the unqualified permission for my "inner child" to play hopscotch on the busy freeway of uncommitted relationships. Instead, it is permission to be free enough from myth and taboo to see the way things really are. With this freedom comes clarity and with clarity comes safety. When my "inner parent" has responsibly attended to the realistic dangers, then I can maintain a more steady and realistic trust.
Perhaps you are one who would be better off by being more cautious in the early stages of a relationship. Instead of incurring a string of "betrayals," you might instead experience some "close calls." Giving yourself permission to avoid naive trust can help you make the difference.
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Why Doesn't She Love Me? 4 Possibilities To Ponder
The issue of unrequited love has long been a hot button for many guys as they try to figure out why a woman that they adore does not seem to feel the same way about them. It could be a woman you are just friends with, or it could be an ex girlfriend. Whomever it is, you know that it doesn't feel good to know that you care about her and it does not seem like she feels the same way about you. While you may not be able to change that, it's still good to know why that might be so that you don't find yourself in that position again.
Here are 4 possibilities to ponder if you are wondering why she doesn't love you when that is the way that you feel about her:
1) You've tried to rush things instead of letting things happen at a more natural pace.
For some guys, the main problem ends up being that they are in a rush to fall in love and that fast pace is not really what the woman wants. There is such a thing as moving too fast and if you give off the impression that you are doing that, it can end up making a woman lose her attraction for you. Of course, this really only applies to an ex girlfriend situation.
2) You haven't done enough to trigger feelings of attraction inside of her.
This is one of those scenarios that really applies to situations where the woman you are in love with happens to see you as more of a friend. If you don't make her feel attracted to you, if there is no romantic connection in her eyes, then you really cannot expect to be seen as anything more than just a friend of hers.
3) You don't know how to make a woman feel excitement around you.
This can apply to both situations, an ex girlfriend and a woman that you have fallen into the friend zone with. You have to be able to make a woman feel some kind of excitement when she is around you if you have any hope at all of being able to make her feel the same way about you that you feel about her.
4) You are afraid to make your move and ask her out on a date.
This of course will only apply to those situations where you are just friends or acquainted with a woman and you don't know how to make her feel the same way about you. If you don't have the courage to ask her out, how can you expect her to have any strong feelings towards you?
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Here are 4 possibilities to ponder if you are wondering why she doesn't love you when that is the way that you feel about her:
1) You've tried to rush things instead of letting things happen at a more natural pace.
For some guys, the main problem ends up being that they are in a rush to fall in love and that fast pace is not really what the woman wants. There is such a thing as moving too fast and if you give off the impression that you are doing that, it can end up making a woman lose her attraction for you. Of course, this really only applies to an ex girlfriend situation.
2) You haven't done enough to trigger feelings of attraction inside of her.
This is one of those scenarios that really applies to situations where the woman you are in love with happens to see you as more of a friend. If you don't make her feel attracted to you, if there is no romantic connection in her eyes, then you really cannot expect to be seen as anything more than just a friend of hers.
3) You don't know how to make a woman feel excitement around you.
This can apply to both situations, an ex girlfriend and a woman that you have fallen into the friend zone with. You have to be able to make a woman feel some kind of excitement when she is around you if you have any hope at all of being able to make her feel the same way about you that you feel about her.
4) You are afraid to make your move and ask her out on a date.
This of course will only apply to those situations where you are just friends or acquainted with a woman and you don't know how to make her feel the same way about you. If you don't have the courage to ask her out, how can you expect her to have any strong feelings towards you?
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Tuesday, 28 August 2012
The Option of Climbing Into Love
Ahhh, that feeling! Your spirit soars. You feel like you're being lifted higher and higher. If feels so good it must be right. Right? Maybe you'd better watch out for those cruel rocks below! How many of us have taken that flight, only to plummet to despair when our illusions are shattered. Perhaps the expression that you "fall" in love contains hidden wisdom that warrants attention. Falling is usually a passive act in which we don't have much conscious choice about what is going to happen. We are victim to other forces beyond our control. Sometimes we land all right, sometimes not. Do you really want to remain so passive and trust in luck? Maybe so. But if you're going to gamble, you'd better find out which way the dice are loaded.
The dice we're talking about are the unconscious. Falling in love is really an extremely complex phenomenon that cannot be adequately described here. Let it suffice to say that there are usually unconscious motives interacting beyond the awareness of both partners. You don't have to understand it. Call it your intuition and pay attention as to whether it works for you or against you in romantic relationships. Some of us may be brilliant thinkers and hold advanced degrees but we may have the most lousy intuition that leads us into one failed love affair after another. "Infatuation junkie" is one term for it. If you think your intuition has really led you into healthy, rewarding, enduring relationships, then go with it! Don't mess with a process that works. But if your intuition doesn't work... say you have a bent antenna... then consider another strategy.
Consider the alternative of climbing into love. It's a lot more work and less glamour but the risks are far less and you can get there nonetheless. Consider the fact that the "in love" stage of relationships almost never exceeds three years and is usually much briefer. Being in love is going to be a short-lived phenomenon anyway. All romantic relationships must make a transition to a more mature form of loving if they're going to remain stable after the "in love" stage. Perhaps it's worth it for you to skip the risky part and move on to the stage where both of you must put in more effort. The reason why falling in love takes less effort is because it involves more fantasy than reality and fantasy is easy to manufacture. It's more effort to maintain limits within the relationship while you ask yourself "Is this relationship really in my long-term best interest?" It's more effort to reconcile how you both really are, warts and all. It's far more effort to preserve mutual respect while you gradually explore your differences as well as your common ground.
Respect is a much under-valued commodity in relationships. It doesn't give you the euphoria as does falling in love, it takes more effort, and it connotes more emotional separation between partners. However, some emotional separation is essential if your relationship is going to survive. Respect is the cornerstone of the more mature relationship that hopefully follows the in-love euphoria. A key point to take from this discussion is that you don't have to fall in love in order to develop love. Respect is often a better starting point. From there, you may work your way to affection and from affection, to deeper intimacy as your trust grows more realistically.
Some of you may be wondering "Where's the romance?" Take heart! Romance can grow just as well on a foundation of solid respect as it can on shaky infatuation. Many people assume that falling in love is the same thing as being romantic. Not true. Romance is something that can be actively created through choice and planning. Falling in love cannot. If you get romance confused with being the same thing as falling in love, you are likely to forget to plan your romance after the euphoric "in love" phase has departed. If you remember to plan those special times and special messages of affection, both you and your partner can enjoy a fulfilling and mature relationship.
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The dice we're talking about are the unconscious. Falling in love is really an extremely complex phenomenon that cannot be adequately described here. Let it suffice to say that there are usually unconscious motives interacting beyond the awareness of both partners. You don't have to understand it. Call it your intuition and pay attention as to whether it works for you or against you in romantic relationships. Some of us may be brilliant thinkers and hold advanced degrees but we may have the most lousy intuition that leads us into one failed love affair after another. "Infatuation junkie" is one term for it. If you think your intuition has really led you into healthy, rewarding, enduring relationships, then go with it! Don't mess with a process that works. But if your intuition doesn't work... say you have a bent antenna... then consider another strategy.
Consider the alternative of climbing into love. It's a lot more work and less glamour but the risks are far less and you can get there nonetheless. Consider the fact that the "in love" stage of relationships almost never exceeds three years and is usually much briefer. Being in love is going to be a short-lived phenomenon anyway. All romantic relationships must make a transition to a more mature form of loving if they're going to remain stable after the "in love" stage. Perhaps it's worth it for you to skip the risky part and move on to the stage where both of you must put in more effort. The reason why falling in love takes less effort is because it involves more fantasy than reality and fantasy is easy to manufacture. It's more effort to maintain limits within the relationship while you ask yourself "Is this relationship really in my long-term best interest?" It's more effort to reconcile how you both really are, warts and all. It's far more effort to preserve mutual respect while you gradually explore your differences as well as your common ground.
Respect is a much under-valued commodity in relationships. It doesn't give you the euphoria as does falling in love, it takes more effort, and it connotes more emotional separation between partners. However, some emotional separation is essential if your relationship is going to survive. Respect is the cornerstone of the more mature relationship that hopefully follows the in-love euphoria. A key point to take from this discussion is that you don't have to fall in love in order to develop love. Respect is often a better starting point. From there, you may work your way to affection and from affection, to deeper intimacy as your trust grows more realistically.
Some of you may be wondering "Where's the romance?" Take heart! Romance can grow just as well on a foundation of solid respect as it can on shaky infatuation. Many people assume that falling in love is the same thing as being romantic. Not true. Romance is something that can be actively created through choice and planning. Falling in love cannot. If you get romance confused with being the same thing as falling in love, you are likely to forget to plan your romance after the euphoric "in love" phase has departed. If you remember to plan those special times and special messages of affection, both you and your partner can enjoy a fulfilling and mature relationship.
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