Ending a relationship is never easy. Initiating a breakup takes courage. No matter how unhappy both parties become in the relationship, it's not an easy task to walk away from a timeline of memories. It's even more challenging for the recipient of that breakup. They will need time to process their loss and effectively channel emotions including heartbreak and rejection. It's common for women to become paralyzed in this process and trigger negative behaviors. These triggers may also surface during the onset of a relationship in trouble.
The Seven Breakup Triggers to Avoid:
• The Pleaser: She will go out of her way to accommodate his needs to please him. She chooses his happiness before hers and others. She literally puts her own life on hold and will drop everything to be with him. She will fulfill his random booty-calls to prove her love to him.
• The Mother-doer: Performs acts of services to win his love. This includes paying his expenses, cleaning his home, preparing his meals, running his errands, and creating/seeking employment opportunities for him to pursue.
• The Butterfly: Transforms her outer appearance to seduce him. She obsesses over her looks to become more desirable. She believes if she becomes more attractive; prettier, thinner, and sexier she will become irresistible.
• The Attention Seeker: Periodically posting status updates and photos on social networks to attract his attention. Though he has already deleted her from his Facebook account (and for good reason), she sets her profile to public hoping he secretly trolls her wall. For assurance that he sees her every move and seductive photos, she will ask friends to post her photos on their wall for his viewing.
• The Scorned: She is heartbroken and feels rejected (scary combo). She will become passive aggressive and vindictive. Though she secretly still loves him and will do ANYTHING to win his love back, she will attack his character and the relationship to seek validation from others.
• The Messenger: Communicates impulsively and relentlessly via text and email to stay connected. She will create any reason to stay in communication. With each correspondence she sends, she is hoping and praying he will respond and they reconcile. This is a perpetual cycle. The more messages she sends him, the more annoyed he becomes and ignores her pleas.
• The Stalker: Pursues any means to gain knowledge of his whereabouts and with whom. She will stalk his social media accounts (and his friends), drive by his home, work, and establishments he frequents, hoping to get a glimpse of his life.
Breaking up with Dignity
begins with having a healthy and positive perspective about oneself and the relationship. When a man ends a relationship, it's common for some women to experience rejection. Insecurities may begin to surface; I'm not good enough, or what does she have that I don't? They create a sense of urgency to win his love. The harder they push to receive his love, the further they push him away. When these insecurities consume every day thoughts they often become an obsession. Women lose their dignity when they obsess over negative thoughts. They begin to diminish their self-worth, and compromise their principles. This process is unattractive and pushes all (healthy) men away.
So how does one move forward with Dignity? First step in moving forward is to forgive the relationship; that includes you and your ex. This may seem impossible for some relationship circumstances, but to move forward, and with Dignity, forgiveness is the only option. This process will eliminate the need to seek closure and validation. Except the relationship is really over and avoid any thoughts of reconciling, as it will only delay the healing process. Validate to yourself (no one else) that you did the best to your ability (at the time) to make that relationship work.
Reality check or lesson learned. It's important to acknowledge why the relationship ended. As painful as the truth may be, reject any thoughts of denial. This is an opportunity for you to experience growth. Most importantly in the healing process, and the key component in Breaking up with Dignity, is to FOCUS on you.
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Tuesday, 16 October 2012
5 Tips to Get Yourself Moving After A Breakup
Getting yourself moving again after a break can be especially hard. For some the pain can be almost paralyzing. It sticks in your gut and leaves you feeling literally sick. You have no appetite, you can't sleep, and you do a lot of crying. For some, they just want to stay in bed, pull the covers over their head and never come out again. They hide in their house for weeks on end, sometimes months.
But, sooner or later we have to face the world. The longer we sit around moping and feeling sorry for ourselves the harder it is to get moving. A bad breakup, especially one we didn't want, can literally sap our energy, cause self-doubt, insecurity, fear, and drains our self-esteem. These feelings, if left unchecked, can ruin any future chances for a healthy relationship.
The following 5 tips will help you make the changes necessary to let go of the past and move on to bigger and better things:
1. First and foremost this is an excellent time to reach out to family and friends. Let them help you through this difficult time. None of us needs to be alone during a time like this. Try to stay as close to them as possible. They have a bigger impact on our happiness them we might think.
2. Come to terms with and accept the situation. If you haven't yet admitted to yourself that it's over, you're only fooling yourself. The sooner you do this step, the sooner you can begin healing. This is the only way you can move on with our life. If you continue to cling to the past you'll continue to remain stuck. You have a lot of life to look forward too. You'll never meet the "right" one if your stuck in the past.
3. Keep yourself as busy as you possibly can. This is an excellent time to try new things, or do the things you've been putting off. Try a new hobby. Try putting your energy in positive activities.
4. Just get moving. Go for a short walk. Go to the park. Maybe even join a gym. Exercise is so important for a number of reasons. It gets those endorphin's flowing, makes you feel better physically and mentally, and just plain makes you feel good about yourself.
5. Have a relationship with yourself. So many of us don't like to look at ourselves for fear of what we might find. But, it is so important to get to know and love ourselves. If we can't love ourselves how can we expect someone else to love us? All of us have things we'd like to change about ourselves. This is the perfect time to ask yourself: How do I really feel about myself? Do I have the very traits I want in a partner? Now's a good time to make a list.
Breakups are painful, yes! But they are not the end of the world. I would venture to guess that the person who left you probably did not set out to deliberately hurt you. They were more than likely just trying to find their own happiness. Perhaps this is the time to take a deep breath and realize that this is not about you and it's time to relinquish control. Acknowledge your worth and know that someday you will find the unconditional love that you deserve.
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But, sooner or later we have to face the world. The longer we sit around moping and feeling sorry for ourselves the harder it is to get moving. A bad breakup, especially one we didn't want, can literally sap our energy, cause self-doubt, insecurity, fear, and drains our self-esteem. These feelings, if left unchecked, can ruin any future chances for a healthy relationship.
The following 5 tips will help you make the changes necessary to let go of the past and move on to bigger and better things:
1. First and foremost this is an excellent time to reach out to family and friends. Let them help you through this difficult time. None of us needs to be alone during a time like this. Try to stay as close to them as possible. They have a bigger impact on our happiness them we might think.
2. Come to terms with and accept the situation. If you haven't yet admitted to yourself that it's over, you're only fooling yourself. The sooner you do this step, the sooner you can begin healing. This is the only way you can move on with our life. If you continue to cling to the past you'll continue to remain stuck. You have a lot of life to look forward too. You'll never meet the "right" one if your stuck in the past.
3. Keep yourself as busy as you possibly can. This is an excellent time to try new things, or do the things you've been putting off. Try a new hobby. Try putting your energy in positive activities.
4. Just get moving. Go for a short walk. Go to the park. Maybe even join a gym. Exercise is so important for a number of reasons. It gets those endorphin's flowing, makes you feel better physically and mentally, and just plain makes you feel good about yourself.
5. Have a relationship with yourself. So many of us don't like to look at ourselves for fear of what we might find. But, it is so important to get to know and love ourselves. If we can't love ourselves how can we expect someone else to love us? All of us have things we'd like to change about ourselves. This is the perfect time to ask yourself: How do I really feel about myself? Do I have the very traits I want in a partner? Now's a good time to make a list.
Breakups are painful, yes! But they are not the end of the world. I would venture to guess that the person who left you probably did not set out to deliberately hurt you. They were more than likely just trying to find their own happiness. Perhaps this is the time to take a deep breath and realize that this is not about you and it's time to relinquish control. Acknowledge your worth and know that someday you will find the unconditional love that you deserve.
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Are We Compatible? 3 Questions Every Woman Should Ask BEFORE Falling in Love
Are you in a new relationship and curious to know if you're truly compatible? Do you have your eye on someone new... and THINK you make a great match, but aren't 100% sure he (or she) is really right for YOU? Do you even wonder what REAL compatibility really is... and if you can ever be 100% "right" for anyone at all, or is that just a romantic myth and fairy tale that's too good to be true?
In my years of experience as writer, intuitive coach and counselor to both women and men who are looking to fall in love with the perfect person, most of my readers and clients ask the WRONG questions when trying to meet their match.
How so?
Most of us short term compatibility questions. Do I like his friends? Are we geographically a match? Do we have similar work schedules? And so forth.
These questions are not going to give you REAL insight or answers from a big picture, "soul" level connection that each of us should be striving to create.
They are NEVER the sort of things you seek in a true lifetime connection or spiritual bond that transcends the "now".
Instead, you should be asking, at an absolute minimum, the 3 critical questions below.
Do we share the same PASSION?
And no... I'm not talking strictly about intimate passions, although we all know THEY count, too! I'm talking about the real passions for life, the same interests that make us come alive and feel inspired.
Many people are hardwired differently, and simply will never share the same underlying idea of what a life well lived (and loved) is really about. If you ignore this in the beginning... I don't care HOW good he looks on paper, you will end up as a relationship statistic down the road.
Do we share the same PURPOSE?
Each of us has a unique life purpose. I truly believe that, and in my own experience, it's been reinforced through watching and witnessing some amazing people discover their own. If you don't share a sense of purpose with your partner, the rest of the compatibility chart doesn't really matter much at all.
If you feel, for example... that life is about giving, and contributing and creating, you are someone who has a strong sense of personal purpose. If you meet someone who believes that life is about taking and looks as others as a means to get where he (or she) wants to be in life, you are NEVER going to last together as a couple.
People who share passion and purpose can move mountains together and are destined for great things. And this leads us to our final compatibility test question.
Are we karmically connected?
Do you feel like your lives were meant to intersect? Do you feel like together, in some way you maybe can't even properly describe, that you were fated, destined or even arranged to live, love, learn, go, grow and flow together through this life.
Most (if not all) of the happiest and healthiest couples believe exactly that... and they'll all describe a sense of the "Universe" bringing them together.
When you feel this, you KNOW it... both in your heart, your head and your soul
, and it's the truest test of compatibility that there is and the best feeling in the world to boot.
(and if you've read this far... I hope this for YOU as well!)
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In my years of experience as writer, intuitive coach and counselor to both women and men who are looking to fall in love with the perfect person, most of my readers and clients ask the WRONG questions when trying to meet their match.
How so?
Most of us short term compatibility questions. Do I like his friends? Are we geographically a match? Do we have similar work schedules? And so forth.
These questions are not going to give you REAL insight or answers from a big picture, "soul" level connection that each of us should be striving to create.
They are NEVER the sort of things you seek in a true lifetime connection or spiritual bond that transcends the "now".
Instead, you should be asking, at an absolute minimum, the 3 critical questions below.
Do we share the same PASSION?
And no... I'm not talking strictly about intimate passions, although we all know THEY count, too! I'm talking about the real passions for life, the same interests that make us come alive and feel inspired.
Many people are hardwired differently, and simply will never share the same underlying idea of what a life well lived (and loved) is really about. If you ignore this in the beginning... I don't care HOW good he looks on paper, you will end up as a relationship statistic down the road.
Do we share the same PURPOSE?
Each of us has a unique life purpose. I truly believe that, and in my own experience, it's been reinforced through watching and witnessing some amazing people discover their own. If you don't share a sense of purpose with your partner, the rest of the compatibility chart doesn't really matter much at all.
If you feel, for example... that life is about giving, and contributing and creating, you are someone who has a strong sense of personal purpose. If you meet someone who believes that life is about taking and looks as others as a means to get where he (or she) wants to be in life, you are NEVER going to last together as a couple.
People who share passion and purpose can move mountains together and are destined for great things. And this leads us to our final compatibility test question.
Are we karmically connected?
Do you feel like your lives were meant to intersect? Do you feel like together, in some way you maybe can't even properly describe, that you were fated, destined or even arranged to live, love, learn, go, grow and flow together through this life.
Most (if not all) of the happiest and healthiest couples believe exactly that... and they'll all describe a sense of the "Universe" bringing them together.
When you feel this, you KNOW it... both in your heart, your head and your soul
, and it's the truest test of compatibility that there is and the best feeling in the world to boot.
(and if you've read this far... I hope this for YOU as well!)
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Can Love Be Sustainable? Yes
In my country the amount of single women who choose to become a mother by artificial insemination has increased drastically in the last decades. One hospital in the capital reported that in 1992 they had only 28 single woman asking for such a treatment, in 2011 the number had increased to 223. The reasons why single women want to become single mothers are diverse. But an important factor is of course that their biological clock is ticking and that they didn't found Mr. Right yet. Together with the drastically increasing divorce numbers in most European countries, it are indications that having a stable, loving and lasting relationship has become more and more difficult.
Many couples choose to divorce or separate. In some cases this is without any doubt the most sensible thing to do and in the best interest of both people. However I sometimes wonder if separation in general has not become a "golden hammer" to "solve" problems in a relationship. In some way it is a paradox, why is it that we humans have such difficulties in handling one of the oldest challenges of mankind, the ability to build a lasting relationship with the one we love? Of course there are the changes in society towards more liberal norms and values that have their impact. But as a psychologist I observed many times that we actually lack knowledge about the dynamics of a relationship. Although every relationship is different and unique, we can't deny that there are distinctive stages in living together that apply to most relationships. However nobody really explained this to us when we started dating. We didn't learn it at school and many of us who come from divorced families didn't really have the chance to see an example of these stages when we were still at home.
Each stage has its own characteristics and brings particular challenges for a couple. I'm aware that in reality these stages are sometimes overlapping each other and the length of them can vary from one couple to another. However using distinctive stages to describe the evolution of a relationship makes things easier to explain. Let's have a quick overview.
Stage 1: Falling in Love
It is the stage most of us like to remember. It's the butterflies in the stomach period and the stage where we often lack some (or a lot of) rationality. We idealize the other and no matter how intensive and beautiful the emotions are that we have during this stage, they are not a guarantee for a lasting and happy relationship. Falling in love comes with a first challenge for a couple... in will come to an end. A funny African saying I once heard was "put a been in a large jar each time you make love during the first two years of your marriage. Then after these two years take a bean out each time you make love. You will find that the jar will never become empty anymore." I like this saying, because it points out that the feelings we have for our partner change through the years. This is not a bad thing, it is simply natural. Just like everything in life evolves, so does the love we feel for others. What is essential in this dynamic (and too often overlooked), is that love not necessarily fades away, but that the quality of love changes in time.
Each time this happens, it comes with the potential risk that the relationship will have some difficulties or will not even survive. Because if a couple (or one of the two people involved) is not aware that living together has a dynamic of its own, then each time change occurs, it could be felt as alien and unwanted. "I don't feel those butterflies anymore, I don't have that passion anymore, our relationship has become a boring routine... ", are common arguments to give prove that "something is not as it was in the relationship and so we conclude that love has gone". This could be a (first) potential reason to separate. In my social network there are some who are constantly searching for this first feeling of falling in love and therefore "frequently" ending and starting relationships with new partners. They want this excitement of a new beginning with a new person. They want nothing more and if they stick to this pattern, they will never have anything more than a sequence of "stage 1" relationships.
An alternative to separation at the end of this stage, is to look at the change in feelings as a sign that the relationship has evolved to a new stage and that it is getting deeper. This new situation offers a rich pallet of opportunities. You don't lose stage one, instead you win stage two.
Stage 2: Creating a new and common external and internal world
In stage one two people from two different backgrounds came together and exploring the other was fascinating, fun and sometimes confrontational. When they move to stage two, they start to build a common understanding of how they (as a couple) want to live their lives and give shape to their future. They decide to live together and build a common external world (rent an apartment or build a house) and create their own system of norms and values (their own internal world). They build, explore, create, fight and enjoy the world and each other. Through this process they continue to grow as individuals and as a couple.
In this stage love transforms and takes the quality of trust, and mutual acceptance of the other. The idealizing of the other (typical for stage one) comes to an end. There is no hiding anymore, no pretending because so much time is spend together and all this intimacy has revealed to the other who we really are. And guess what, feeling accepted by another human being is a very enriching experience, especially when it is the one you love.
A potential threat for the relationship with the risk of separation comes from the inability to find a new and common ground. Being able to give the other what he/she needs and at the same time being able to receive what you need, can for some couples become a real issue. It implies the skill of making good compromises and the understanding that the tension and fights that come with it are not a sign that something is wrong, but a sign that the relationship is evolving in a natural way. So if a couple separates now, they might miss the chance of developing a healthy symbiotic relationship, meaning that they are growing towards each other without losing their individual selves.
Stage 3: Kids on the block
A next stage could be kids, the extension of your newly developed system. In this stage women become mothers and man become fathers (and possibly become real man). The experience of having once more a person around that accepts you the way you are (at least during the first couple of years), looks up to you, wants to learn from you, challenges you and makes you feel valuable and needed will influence the way you see yourself and the way you see the world. The existing system of two changes and the couple tries to create a healthy environment for a system of three.
The potential threat in this stage is obvious. A lot of attention goes from parents to children and lesser from parent to parent. Additionally a new common ground needs to be developed on how to give the best possible care for the child(-ren). Again a potential reason for people who don't like change to consider separation.
An alternative to separation in stage 3 is to understand that love has transformed once more. The initial love between two is now shared with three (or more). Taking care of each other becomes a central theme. Seeing that little new person that is in some way half you and half the other is the new and most obvious transformation of the love you share with your partner. Every new skill that your child learns and each time you see that your child feels safe and confident, is a confirmation to the parents that they are creating the right kind of environment for their child.
Stage 4: Kids off the block - back to a system of two
The next step is when the kids leave home and have a life and a family of their own. The system goes back to two, the rhythm of life changes again and more time is available for the couple to spend together.
The part that couples are often most worried about in this stage is routine. Things could become boring and repetitive. In their minds love could be replaced by habit. Yes it could, but we actually have a choice. Separate and start something new, or realise that the real transformation of love lays in understanding the value of all the difficulties, all the challenges and crises that you have managed and survived as a couple. You have experienced together a journey and through it you have grown together as individuals and as a couple.The shared life story is the expression of love and the quality of that love lies in the security and familiarity you experience in the presence of the other. If boredom is a potential threat, then creativity, surprise and attentiveness are the variables to play with.
The way we (want) to perceive things...
If a relationship becomes sustainable or not depends for an important part on how we (want) to perceive things. As Gustav Flaubert once said, there is no truth, only perception. If we want to perceive love as something static or something dynamic, depends on our own choice. If we choose separation as an option to continue our life journey, or we choose to deal with the challenges that come with (any) relationship, is also a personal matter. However every time I see the pain and grief when people separate and the traces that it leaves in the personality of the people involved... I wonder if they would have been better off if only they could have seen the other options available? Living in a relationship is a complex matter and to take growing-together instead of constant happiness as a yardstick for a good relationship, is a perspective that creates options for a sustainable love.
"The giving of love is an education in itself". Eleanor Roosevelt
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Many couples choose to divorce or separate. In some cases this is without any doubt the most sensible thing to do and in the best interest of both people. However I sometimes wonder if separation in general has not become a "golden hammer" to "solve" problems in a relationship. In some way it is a paradox, why is it that we humans have such difficulties in handling one of the oldest challenges of mankind, the ability to build a lasting relationship with the one we love? Of course there are the changes in society towards more liberal norms and values that have their impact. But as a psychologist I observed many times that we actually lack knowledge about the dynamics of a relationship. Although every relationship is different and unique, we can't deny that there are distinctive stages in living together that apply to most relationships. However nobody really explained this to us when we started dating. We didn't learn it at school and many of us who come from divorced families didn't really have the chance to see an example of these stages when we were still at home.
Each stage has its own characteristics and brings particular challenges for a couple. I'm aware that in reality these stages are sometimes overlapping each other and the length of them can vary from one couple to another. However using distinctive stages to describe the evolution of a relationship makes things easier to explain. Let's have a quick overview.
Stage 1: Falling in Love
It is the stage most of us like to remember. It's the butterflies in the stomach period and the stage where we often lack some (or a lot of) rationality. We idealize the other and no matter how intensive and beautiful the emotions are that we have during this stage, they are not a guarantee for a lasting and happy relationship. Falling in love comes with a first challenge for a couple... in will come to an end. A funny African saying I once heard was "put a been in a large jar each time you make love during the first two years of your marriage. Then after these two years take a bean out each time you make love. You will find that the jar will never become empty anymore." I like this saying, because it points out that the feelings we have for our partner change through the years. This is not a bad thing, it is simply natural. Just like everything in life evolves, so does the love we feel for others. What is essential in this dynamic (and too often overlooked), is that love not necessarily fades away, but that the quality of love changes in time.
Each time this happens, it comes with the potential risk that the relationship will have some difficulties or will not even survive. Because if a couple (or one of the two people involved) is not aware that living together has a dynamic of its own, then each time change occurs, it could be felt as alien and unwanted. "I don't feel those butterflies anymore, I don't have that passion anymore, our relationship has become a boring routine... ", are common arguments to give prove that "something is not as it was in the relationship and so we conclude that love has gone". This could be a (first) potential reason to separate. In my social network there are some who are constantly searching for this first feeling of falling in love and therefore "frequently" ending and starting relationships with new partners. They want this excitement of a new beginning with a new person. They want nothing more and if they stick to this pattern, they will never have anything more than a sequence of "stage 1" relationships.
An alternative to separation at the end of this stage, is to look at the change in feelings as a sign that the relationship has evolved to a new stage and that it is getting deeper. This new situation offers a rich pallet of opportunities. You don't lose stage one, instead you win stage two.
Stage 2: Creating a new and common external and internal world
In stage one two people from two different backgrounds came together and exploring the other was fascinating, fun and sometimes confrontational. When they move to stage two, they start to build a common understanding of how they (as a couple) want to live their lives and give shape to their future. They decide to live together and build a common external world (rent an apartment or build a house) and create their own system of norms and values (their own internal world). They build, explore, create, fight and enjoy the world and each other. Through this process they continue to grow as individuals and as a couple.
In this stage love transforms and takes the quality of trust, and mutual acceptance of the other. The idealizing of the other (typical for stage one) comes to an end. There is no hiding anymore, no pretending because so much time is spend together and all this intimacy has revealed to the other who we really are. And guess what, feeling accepted by another human being is a very enriching experience, especially when it is the one you love.
A potential threat for the relationship with the risk of separation comes from the inability to find a new and common ground. Being able to give the other what he/she needs and at the same time being able to receive what you need, can for some couples become a real issue. It implies the skill of making good compromises and the understanding that the tension and fights that come with it are not a sign that something is wrong, but a sign that the relationship is evolving in a natural way. So if a couple separates now, they might miss the chance of developing a healthy symbiotic relationship, meaning that they are growing towards each other without losing their individual selves.
Stage 3: Kids on the block
A next stage could be kids, the extension of your newly developed system. In this stage women become mothers and man become fathers (and possibly become real man). The experience of having once more a person around that accepts you the way you are (at least during the first couple of years), looks up to you, wants to learn from you, challenges you and makes you feel valuable and needed will influence the way you see yourself and the way you see the world. The existing system of two changes and the couple tries to create a healthy environment for a system of three.
The potential threat in this stage is obvious. A lot of attention goes from parents to children and lesser from parent to parent. Additionally a new common ground needs to be developed on how to give the best possible care for the child(-ren). Again a potential reason for people who don't like change to consider separation.
An alternative to separation in stage 3 is to understand that love has transformed once more. The initial love between two is now shared with three (or more). Taking care of each other becomes a central theme. Seeing that little new person that is in some way half you and half the other is the new and most obvious transformation of the love you share with your partner. Every new skill that your child learns and each time you see that your child feels safe and confident, is a confirmation to the parents that they are creating the right kind of environment for their child.
Stage 4: Kids off the block - back to a system of two
The next step is when the kids leave home and have a life and a family of their own. The system goes back to two, the rhythm of life changes again and more time is available for the couple to spend together.
The part that couples are often most worried about in this stage is routine. Things could become boring and repetitive. In their minds love could be replaced by habit. Yes it could, but we actually have a choice. Separate and start something new, or realise that the real transformation of love lays in understanding the value of all the difficulties, all the challenges and crises that you have managed and survived as a couple. You have experienced together a journey and through it you have grown together as individuals and as a couple.The shared life story is the expression of love and the quality of that love lies in the security and familiarity you experience in the presence of the other. If boredom is a potential threat, then creativity, surprise and attentiveness are the variables to play with.
The way we (want) to perceive things...
If a relationship becomes sustainable or not depends for an important part on how we (want) to perceive things. As Gustav Flaubert once said, there is no truth, only perception. If we want to perceive love as something static or something dynamic, depends on our own choice. If we choose separation as an option to continue our life journey, or we choose to deal with the challenges that come with (any) relationship, is also a personal matter. However every time I see the pain and grief when people separate and the traces that it leaves in the personality of the people involved... I wonder if they would have been better off if only they could have seen the other options available? Living in a relationship is a complex matter and to take growing-together instead of constant happiness as a yardstick for a good relationship, is a perspective that creates options for a sustainable love.
"The giving of love is an education in itself". Eleanor Roosevelt
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Attract the Right Man for You
Mostly in our culture, the rhetoric about what men want or need from women is not accurate. The problem is that there are many experts out there with conflicting opinions. How can a woman find a boyfriend, fix her marriage, attract the right man,or know how to flirt with men with all of this misinformation out there? Who and what are we to believe?
Putting aside everything you have learned from Cosmo, your mom, your friends, the media and your psychologist... to attract the right man for a happy and fulfilling relationship requires an understanding of the actual situation. So, here is a quick overview.
First, let's talk about the caveman. Genetic research has revealed that, while genetic mutations happen almost constantly, most are either not conducive to the survival of the organism, or the genetic mutation is insignificant. Genetic mutations that actually cause a positive or enhancing effect happen about once every half a million years or so.
This means that most men are still walking, talking cavemen. Not a bad thing but something to be considered. Cavemen served and protected their weaker counterparts, as women could not fight wolves and saber toothed tigers while nursing and caring for babies.
Most of these modern cavemen believe they know their own minds and own motivations, but in general, that is not the case. What makes them happy and what they believe makes them happy are two completely different things, and this is why the female must make an effort to find the truth.
Second, the women's feminist movement of the 60's and 70's freed women to go out and be their own heroes, essentially removing the need for the service and protection from our cavemen. This would help explain why men seem ambivalent, confused or downright hostile toward women these days.
Because men are genetically programmed to serve and protect, we can explore our own inner personality traits (psychologists call these inner traits "archetypes") to see if we are balanced in such a way as to be worthy of being served and protected, and if we are, we will attract a real man who has our best interests in mind.
If we are unaware of how our inner archetypes are presenting in the world, we will attract some other type of man - an unrealistic, immature, self-serving man, perhaps, if our mother archetype is expressing through us.
Operating from unbalanced archetypes attracts an inferior type of man.This leads to the feeling or belief that "there are no good men left out there".
Or, we may attract a great man who admires our independent spirit and our spunkiness, but drive him away later because our amazon archetype brings out the fight in him.
Getting to know which archetypes are expressing through you can be entertaining and very empowering. Quality men are unconsciously attracted to a woman with balanced archetypes, what I call a "goddess". Goddesses are 4 parts courtesan, 3 parts madonna, 2 parts amazon and 1 part mother.
Taking the time to get to know your own inner workings can be a very powerful and enlightening thing to do, and you will attract the right man for you, but do not make the mistake of falling in love with just one man. You must notice how easy it is to love many men, and then choose the best one, but that is a subject for a different article.
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Putting aside everything you have learned from Cosmo, your mom, your friends, the media and your psychologist... to attract the right man for a happy and fulfilling relationship requires an understanding of the actual situation. So, here is a quick overview.
First, let's talk about the caveman. Genetic research has revealed that, while genetic mutations happen almost constantly, most are either not conducive to the survival of the organism, or the genetic mutation is insignificant. Genetic mutations that actually cause a positive or enhancing effect happen about once every half a million years or so.
This means that most men are still walking, talking cavemen. Not a bad thing but something to be considered. Cavemen served and protected their weaker counterparts, as women could not fight wolves and saber toothed tigers while nursing and caring for babies.
Most of these modern cavemen believe they know their own minds and own motivations, but in general, that is not the case. What makes them happy and what they believe makes them happy are two completely different things, and this is why the female must make an effort to find the truth.
Second, the women's feminist movement of the 60's and 70's freed women to go out and be their own heroes, essentially removing the need for the service and protection from our cavemen. This would help explain why men seem ambivalent, confused or downright hostile toward women these days.
Because men are genetically programmed to serve and protect, we can explore our own inner personality traits (psychologists call these inner traits "archetypes") to see if we are balanced in such a way as to be worthy of being served and protected, and if we are, we will attract a real man who has our best interests in mind.
If we are unaware of how our inner archetypes are presenting in the world, we will attract some other type of man - an unrealistic, immature, self-serving man, perhaps, if our mother archetype is expressing through us.
Operating from unbalanced archetypes attracts an inferior type of man.This leads to the feeling or belief that "there are no good men left out there".
Or, we may attract a great man who admires our independent spirit and our spunkiness, but drive him away later because our amazon archetype brings out the fight in him.
Getting to know which archetypes are expressing through you can be entertaining and very empowering. Quality men are unconsciously attracted to a woman with balanced archetypes, what I call a "goddess". Goddesses are 4 parts courtesan, 3 parts madonna, 2 parts amazon and 1 part mother.
Taking the time to get to know your own inner workings can be a very powerful and enlightening thing to do, and you will attract the right man for you, but do not make the mistake of falling in love with just one man. You must notice how easy it is to love many men, and then choose the best one, but that is a subject for a different article.
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Monday, 15 October 2012
Family of Five With Five Different Love Languages
"Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always 'me first,' doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end," 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, The Message.
Whoever said it is easy to show love is dead wrong. While you may feel loved when someone spends time with you another person doesn't feel loved unless you tell them. It is easy for you to show love in your love language because it comes so naturally but trying to show love in another person's love language and you are likely to feel fake. Gary Chapman in his book, "The Five Love Languages" outlines the difference between each language. To make it easier, here is a family of five with a different love language for each.
Dad: Words. What you say matters so chose your words carefully. Dad feels loved when he is encouraged with words such as "You did a great job" or "I really appreciate you". He likes to hear compliments or receive notes of encouragement. Of particular value are compliments given in the presence of others. Of particular hurt are public insults or name calling.
Mom: Service. Actions speak louder than words. Mom feels loved when someone takes the time to do something for her. It can be a small task such as emptying the dishwasher, filling her car up with gas, or bringing home dinner. Of particular value are acts of service without being asked. Of particular hurt are ignored requests to compete a task.
Child #1: Time. Time together is time well spent. Child #1 feels loved when someone takes time out of their day to be with them. Just being in their presence is enough, as the activity does not have to be overly engaging. For instance, sitting in the same room and being around them is satisfying. Of particular value is intentionally spending time together when life is busy such as going to the store together. Of particular hurt is not being there for games, concerts, or events.
Child #2: Gifts. The well thought out gift is of greatest value. Child #2 feels loved when someone gives them a gift that reflects their personality. Small gifts are sufficient as even a pack of their favorite gum (as long as you get the flavor right) shows that you pay attention to what they like and care enough to get it. This child can tell you nearly every gift they have ever received and who gave it to them. Of particular value are surprise gifts for no reason at all. Of particular hurt are no gift or generic gifts.
Child #3: Touch. A gentle touch calms the soul. Child #3 feels loved when someone gives them a hug, kiss, or gentle tap on the back. The touch does not need to be overly obvious as just a tap on the arm or holding of hands can provide a sense of love. Of particular value are massages, good night hugs, and hello kisses. Of particular hurt is abusive touch or forced touch.
By learning to speak in another person's love language, they will feel loved by you. Since love is for the receiver, it is far more important to speak the other person's love language then it is to keep speaking your own love language. This is not the time to compare notes as to how well someone else is speaking your love language, rather it is the time to be the example that others can follow.
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Whoever said it is easy to show love is dead wrong. While you may feel loved when someone spends time with you another person doesn't feel loved unless you tell them. It is easy for you to show love in your love language because it comes so naturally but trying to show love in another person's love language and you are likely to feel fake. Gary Chapman in his book, "The Five Love Languages" outlines the difference between each language. To make it easier, here is a family of five with a different love language for each.
Dad: Words. What you say matters so chose your words carefully. Dad feels loved when he is encouraged with words such as "You did a great job" or "I really appreciate you". He likes to hear compliments or receive notes of encouragement. Of particular value are compliments given in the presence of others. Of particular hurt are public insults or name calling.
Mom: Service. Actions speak louder than words. Mom feels loved when someone takes the time to do something for her. It can be a small task such as emptying the dishwasher, filling her car up with gas, or bringing home dinner. Of particular value are acts of service without being asked. Of particular hurt are ignored requests to compete a task.
Child #1: Time. Time together is time well spent. Child #1 feels loved when someone takes time out of their day to be with them. Just being in their presence is enough, as the activity does not have to be overly engaging. For instance, sitting in the same room and being around them is satisfying. Of particular value is intentionally spending time together when life is busy such as going to the store together. Of particular hurt is not being there for games, concerts, or events.
Child #2: Gifts. The well thought out gift is of greatest value. Child #2 feels loved when someone gives them a gift that reflects their personality. Small gifts are sufficient as even a pack of their favorite gum (as long as you get the flavor right) shows that you pay attention to what they like and care enough to get it. This child can tell you nearly every gift they have ever received and who gave it to them. Of particular value are surprise gifts for no reason at all. Of particular hurt are no gift or generic gifts.
Child #3: Touch. A gentle touch calms the soul. Child #3 feels loved when someone gives them a hug, kiss, or gentle tap on the back. The touch does not need to be overly obvious as just a tap on the arm or holding of hands can provide a sense of love. Of particular value are massages, good night hugs, and hello kisses. Of particular hurt is abusive touch or forced touch.
By learning to speak in another person's love language, they will feel loved by you. Since love is for the receiver, it is far more important to speak the other person's love language then it is to keep speaking your own love language. This is not the time to compare notes as to how well someone else is speaking your love language, rather it is the time to be the example that others can follow.
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Sunday, 14 October 2012
How and Where to Find Love?
Love is an emotion that gives humans a reason to live. For many centuries love has been romanticized, glorified and magnified. Love, the word, the feeling, the sensation is the most sought after emotion. All of us want to fall in it, be loved and feel the sweetness eternally. But then why do people find it so difficult to fall in it and when they do why does it turn bitter for most of us? Why do people run away, cheat or simply break away? Love doesn't remain on the pedestal rather falls right in-front of our eyes and we crush it with our own feet.
The main reason is, We never fall in love to begin with. The journey starts with the need of love, not the need to love.
Empty beings, tired of this selfish world where they feel alone, vulnerable and weak look out in the crowd for that one 'someone' who will love them for eternity.
With whom we will feel complete. The search isn't for someone whom we can fulfill and give love for the rest of our lives. 'Because empty vessels never fill another pot'. Humans have reached a stage where the desire to want is much higher than the desire to give. It's like parasites sucking each others blood hoping they both will stay alive and happy.
True love begins inside. People truly capable of loving and experiencing true love aren't afraid of being alone. Being alone they love themselves, when with their love they give immensely but knowing inside they don't have to be together all the time. When you 'have' to do something its not out of will anymore, its out of duty. Love isn't a duty, love is free.
Searching for love is like searching for god. You need to believe in both, and you must find them first before you can give them to the other. They say 'god resides inside you'. Because if you go searching for god (love) you will never find it. It's when you realise its deep inside, you no longer seek to find, you seek to give. And when all are giving, receiving overfills.
Love is a sweetener where only an abundance will make sure everyone has a fair share. Don't be scared if they say ' love is blind' because love is meant to be felt by the heart not the mind. You fall in love as your mind falls to your heart and follows it. The leap of faith taken when you fall in love doesn't scare you when you know it is not a bondage, it is an experience. Enjoy the existence of it. Worry about the passion of love not the duration of it.
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The main reason is, We never fall in love to begin with. The journey starts with the need of love, not the need to love.
Empty beings, tired of this selfish world where they feel alone, vulnerable and weak look out in the crowd for that one 'someone' who will love them for eternity.
With whom we will feel complete. The search isn't for someone whom we can fulfill and give love for the rest of our lives. 'Because empty vessels never fill another pot'. Humans have reached a stage where the desire to want is much higher than the desire to give. It's like parasites sucking each others blood hoping they both will stay alive and happy.
True love begins inside. People truly capable of loving and experiencing true love aren't afraid of being alone. Being alone they love themselves, when with their love they give immensely but knowing inside they don't have to be together all the time. When you 'have' to do something its not out of will anymore, its out of duty. Love isn't a duty, love is free.
Searching for love is like searching for god. You need to believe in both, and you must find them first before you can give them to the other. They say 'god resides inside you'. Because if you go searching for god (love) you will never find it. It's when you realise its deep inside, you no longer seek to find, you seek to give. And when all are giving, receiving overfills.
Love is a sweetener where only an abundance will make sure everyone has a fair share. Don't be scared if they say ' love is blind' because love is meant to be felt by the heart not the mind. You fall in love as your mind falls to your heart and follows it. The leap of faith taken when you fall in love doesn't scare you when you know it is not a bondage, it is an experience. Enjoy the existence of it. Worry about the passion of love not the duration of it.
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